The Small Hells of Life (Sharaku)

“…” The Nightmare would sigh a bit at that one as he looked down at the ground a slight frown coming across his face. “…I have a personal issue that drains me a good deal, but outside of that I made an error of not eating anything before shopping. I thought it would be a quick trip and I could come back and eat, but…it didn’t work out that way…I supposed I am learning the importance of eating the hard way…” Though in the end that wasn’t the true drainer now was it? Even without food, he could hold himself up. And in a fight? He could fight if he needed too, but one thing about him was he was afraid to attack. Outside of energy usage, he didn’t want to take any chance of that thing taking over…so it became this. Sad? Maybe, but in the end people were safer…right? He wasn’t sure and didn’t want to think about it right now.

Besides…he had other pieces of conversation deal with anyway. Pieces that were not making him feel better about the situation at all. His shoulders would slump a bit his mind going down its usual path of self-loathing.

“I am sorry you got dragged into this.. You don’t have to carry me…if you don’t want to, but if you choose to, I just request you get me back to the dorms. I won’t crumble…I have enough energy not to do that at least. I can even pay you in some way for your time and efforts…” He didn’t want to be a burden, but honestly what else could he be right now?

“I haven’t had a proper meal in a while, so I kind of messed up there…so it just sort of adds onto the problem I already have…” Perhaps having regular meal times or carrying his choice of food with him would be wiser for the future versus simply getting absorbed in something and forgetting…or just eating sporadically. Maybe it would cut down the risk of this happening when he lost control…Well there was nothing to be done about it now was there? He’d just have to take this blow and be happy nothing worse happened to either of them.

Regardless of that, the medics would arrive the Nightmare giving into a minor look over from a medic that came near. Outside of finding him in need of rest more so than anything, the medic wouldn’t be able to detect the underlying problems with his legs that at that point he’d reconstructed to looking normal, the bullets resting to either side of him probably making them think he had used a barrier or something to protect himself. Whatever the case, the medics would take care of the bodies before leaving the two alone again.

The Nightmare would look up a bit from the ground as the other stood and when he spoke, the Nightmare would give light nod. “I see,” he would begin softly. “Thank you for at least not leaving me to disappear.” It would be a pain in the ass if he just left him there or somewhere else. He couldn’t move to get what he needed to build his strength back up and for that sort of food to just land in his lap? Probably a very slim chance. It would be quite the draining process without the proper things in play to heal. He might even crumble if he pushed himself in that situation…and that would start an even more tedious process to get back to how he was. The prices to things some times….

That aside, the Nightmare would give a second nod as he pushed himself into a sitting position. “Yes. That would help the process greatly; however, the food I need isn’t easy to come by nor is the amount I need now.” Solid food was nice for flavors and textures, but did nothing to fill the Nightmare up or satisfy the craving for food like his normal source of food did.

The Nightmare would make a grimace at that one. “Yeah…I am learning that the hard way…” In the past, he could get away with skipping meals for a long period of time…but now that he thought on it. The food had always been in the home he grew up in. He was taught where to get it, but in that isolated area he had been in... there had been no need to hunt it down. It was always there. Making him wonder how the machine got it in the first place. Could that sort of energy be harvest from animals that did not give off the same sort of negative emotions as humans? He had to wonder, but wonder not too far in the end. The headache and exhaustion bringing him back to reality. The point was back then he was safe and could do that without the fear of things becoming so dangerous that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. The animals around him were normal and without powers, but out here? He couldn’t do the same thing. He had people and creatures of all sorts to deal with and he was pretty sure out in the wild the animals would be very different from the ordinary ones. It was a habit he’d have to break by creating a better one. Otherwise, he’d be screwed. After all, he was pretty lucky the other had even come along and decided to interfere in the first place. He very well could’ve ignored it and let the gang do whatever they were going to do to him before the other had arrived. It could’ve been much worse…

The Nightmare was looking down, a frown across his face as his hands balled into fists next to him. He was wallowing in dark thoughts…and briefly wondered if he could feed off his own negativity. Probably not, but the idea was something he’d store way in the back of his mind. It would be nice if he could be his own generator of food…that way he wouldn’t ever have to worry about going hungry or being without…but there was probably some heavy catch to that too….Damn…Why did he have to bring trouble to someone else?

He would stay in those thoughts letting what happened with the medics pass before being pulled to reality once more as the other came to stand near him. Leaning back a bit to look up at the other, the Nightmare would give a flat response back. “Responsible? Can I really hold you responsible for wanting to get rid of trash? Besides, I am the one the who started the process. If I ended up tossed aside left to decay, well in the end that is my fault for being in such a state that I could not do anything about it,” he’d sigh. “Besides some people don’t care or have any remorse for such actions anyway…” Was he being to harsh on himself? Maybe. Was he being to gloomy for the situation? Maybe there too, but the Nightmare didn’t care at the moment, depression and darkness consuming him after all that had happened.

To the question posed about the lizard, the Nightmare would give a bitter smile at that one. “Yes. He had enough negative energy that I could’ve probably made a few meals out of him if I had the tools to collect it or had been smart and just ate from him; however, my mind was far from food back then.” Yeah... it was taken over by something that preferred to kill versus eat...No excuse though. Just another reminder at flaws he had... “And well….the energy does linger, but it is far less potent than if the actual source is right in front of me. It is like very faint scraps…a very small sample of a piece of food if you will. It is not enough to satisfy the amount my body demands…or enough to give me energy to repair fully. Nothing is that simple.” Though it would make life a whole lot easier if it was.

As for that suggestion….

The Nightmare would blink. “How? Are you going dig up negativity just for me?” He'd attempt a joke, but it was half-hearted as he shook his head. He honestly didn’t want to put the other through more trouble just for him. It was enough the guy was willing to help him get to the dorms.

Was it really slow learning or was it just adapting? Unlike everyone else the Nightmare had been isolated for years and while he did see that the people out here did have powers and what not that didn’t necessarily mean he was automatically equipped or had settled into his new lifestyle fully. He was bound to make mistakes and the slim eating habit was probably one that was bound to catch up with him regardless. It just caught up with him when he was out in the real the world versus his safer isolated zone. A slap in the face yes, but that didn’t mean he was necessarily slow at catching on, but rather he saw no need to change the habit until recent events and interactions proved otherwise.

Either way, he was grateful and a bit worried about the silence the other gave in turn to his words. On one hand, he wanted to know what the other thought, but at the same time he was in no condition mentally to face off with arguments or any other sort of battle that may have resulted from wrong words spoken in that moment. He already felt like shit anyway. There was no need to add on to it. Besides, he was pretty sure the other wasn’t feeling too hot either so the less stress added the better....right?

As if to prove that last thought true, he would see the other’s expression to his words, gloomy golden eyes watching as the other's face went from perhaps curious to serious and dark in a flash. The Nightmare would tilt his head a bit at the first part, his question an automatic response.

“Why is everyone what?” he would ask wondering why the other didn’t finish what he was saying; however, whether the other answered or not the Nightmare would find himself falling a quiet for a moment as the other respond to his words. To the first part about responsibility, the Nightmare would give him an unreadable look his face mostly devoid of emotion as his eyes narrowed slightly.

“Everyone…has to take responsibility…and those who don’t….still pay the price in the end. Everything has a price to pay…Yes...I remember trying to nail that point home once upon a time...” The words were mostly a mumble his behavior trance like as his mind processed the information and stored it away. He would blink after a second as he looked down a bit as he came back to reality and himself. “Maybe you are right, but I still feel the fault is on me for it all…” After all…there was more to this than just food after all…and that something? Well the other certainly poked at it with his next set of words.

To what he heard, the Nightmare would at first look up at the other in shock before sighing and looking down shaking his head. “I am pretty sad when you look at me. I admit, I am aware I can do quite a bit with what I have become, but….I am afraid in more than one way. I am afraid if I used any of my powers natural or not…I will lose control and the thing within me will come to front and hurt everyone. I don’t want to hurt or make people suffer. That is why I don’t do what I could do…I don’t want to lose control or what little of myself I have. Is it a form of denial? Does it hold me back? Yeah…but I honestly don’t know how what to do about it….I’ve spent many years trying to find the cure, but….nothing...and I much rather act as a seal and barrier than let the thing within escape...” He would look back up at the other with a sad smile. “I do want to change that and not be this way, but…I am very afraid of what that mean. I don’t have pride, Sharaku. All I do is try to stand and keep walking despite the cross I carry. Sometimes that is all I can do….” A sad case? Perhaps, but he was doing his best. He just saw no way out of this dark hell hole he was in…and to face that thing within? What if he failed? That would mean trouble would for others would it not? Maybe he was just fated to not be able to change no matter how much he wanted to…

The Nightmare would close his eyes for a moment as he sunk further into darkness, his negative vibe easy to pick up on if one was sensitive to that sort of thing. That aside, the Nightmare would eventually look up at the other with a tired expression as his eyebrows furrowed a bit.

“You are mentally strong eh? Must be nice,” he would begin and then sighing a bit as he shifted with a light wince his body tight from the stress of staying up and the dark thoughts. “Even though, I do not want to drag that out of you or invade your space, if you did that…I’d be grateful…” Why did he have to be so pathetic? He almost felt like a beggar…and of course that thought didn’t do anything for his mood except to darken it more as he looked down and stared at a crack in the ground.

He would take note that the other didn’t answer his question or elaborate on what he had meant with his mutter; however, he wouldn’t push it as he sat quietly in his own darkness. When the other spoke to him on feelings, the Nightmare would blink as he furrowed his eyebrows slightly. “But your emotions are part of you, no? How can they not have an effect on you or how you behave? How can they have no say in things?” Emotions were connected to you right? You couldn’t separate yourself from them so how could what you feel be telling a lie about something? What made them different than what was real? The Nightmare couldn’t figure it out. Even if he was book smart, he hadn’t exactly been taught how to deal with his emotions properly let alone the darkness within, so hearing this was a bit of confusing news to him. Was this something he needed to research deeper to understand? Or was this something very simple and he was simply missing the point?

Well whatever the case was there, the Nightmare would let that conversation go where it would before falling into that slight daze that for once he didn’t catch as the darkness slipped out so quickly and ducked back in before his tired mind had registered it even occurring. The fact the other choose not to address the matter didn’t make him any wiser either. Probably for the best at this point.

As for being called a fool and the words that followed....

“Fool…” he’d repeat in soft bitter tones. “Maybe I am one, but I…I am not afraid to live…If I was I would’ve ended myself a long time ago. The fact that I am still here, still trying to move forward is proof enough of that. As for trying things in regards to my situation... what the hell do you think my whole journey has been about? I’ve been trying to get rid of this thing for good. How is that running? How is wanting to try and keep it from hurting everyone running?” He would look up at the other the first traces of anger actually showing in his eyes. He didn’t get it. Yes he was afraid, yes he had admitted that, but how was what he said running? How was keeping himself in shackles to keep the thing inside from coming out running? He didn’t get that. Even if it was sad he didn’t go to his full potential because of said thing within, was he really running? He didn’t think so. If anything even if he was a scared and sad fool, he was fighting in his own way no? Or was his way of fighting running?

He couldn’t answer the questions and that made him only moodier as the questions plagued him. As for the proof questions. He would sigh at that one as he looked down and shook his head. Alright then…He would open his mouth his words coming out strained and quiet.

“I’ve had two instances of losing control. One was when I was very young and in the place I once called home. I got emotional about something and the beast took over. I ended up destroying a good chunk of the house we had, some of the land, killed some animals and even damaged the machine that was caring for me. I almost destroyed the one thing I cared about the most and the only reason i didn't was because I came back to myself before it could complete the job. I made it goal then to find a way to stop it."

"As for the second time, I was in the dream world and lost myself to the creature. It wanted out and I couldn’t hold it back. It did many terrible things to the dream creatures as it explored, "played and made art" so to speak. It killed some of those beings even once we were no longer a thing to call normal. It took a while to get control back, but it made my goal of getting rid of it stronger. I don’t want that thing using me to do deeds like that.” He would look up at the other with narrowed eyes.

“I know that is destructive and has a desire to harm things. What else is there to know? To understand? Hm?” He wanted to know the answer to that because as far as he knew that thing within was dangerous and evil. It should not be allowed to roam free. He would have to keep it prisoner until he found the cure to it. He had to...for everyone's sake.

As for the rest of what he heard. He was quiet for a moment as he glared at the other as some emotion between anger and despair went through him. It would take him a while to speak. “I am aware of the death around us... but I don’t want to add to that if I don’t have to…I..” he would trail off. His voice was so strained at that point due to emotions that the words came out in a whisper and he couldn’t form the words he wanted to answer the last part. The very act of speaking becoming a hard thing to do; however, he would firmly shake his head no. He wasn’t trying to run, he wanted to end this…but could he really do and not harm another? Could he afford to worry about others when he was like this and not well and fit himself? It was hard to say.

The Nightmare’s glare would drop back to the ground as he closed his eyes, a few tears escaping him due to the pressure, stress, and misery this was causing him. He was literally beginning to feel sick from it all, but somehow he was holding himself together as he tried to take a few deep breathes to steady himself.

He would stay quiet until the conversation turned to the issue of mind blocking and food. He really wasn’t feeling good about asking, but the other's words did catch him by surprise. “Heh. I wonder what would look good on me,” he’d joke weakly as he tried to smile through the pain, but he was not doing a very good job of it. When the other came closer and touched his shoulder, he would look up to that unreadable expression at first confused, but then forgetting his own misery for the moment, he would begin to smell the negative emotions of the other as he let them free enough for him to taste them. The bite of anger, the bittersweetness of remorse and guilt, and the odd sweetness of pain. It was an interesting feast that he was hesitant to feed upon, but did so anyway. After all the guy let him smell and taste them to help him out. He wasn’t about to let that go to waste.

Seeming to go into a slight trance as his body began focusing on collecting and distributing that negative energy, the nightmare would find himself reaching out in an attempt to touch the other's cheek gently a question escaped him as he watched the other with a look of slight curiosity, but more than that concern. “Why so hurt…sad…angry…?” The question was a soft one, but it was loud enough for the other to hear, his curiosity there, but not overwhelming and intrusive as the first time they met. He didn't understand this.

How could one hold this back? And why did he feel this was only the tip of something much larger? Why would he unlock even a fracture of this for someone like him? He did not comprehend? Why?

The Nightmare would consider the words that were said, his eyebrows furrowing in thought. “Practice seeing the distinction? How do you do that?” he would ask genuine lost on this front. No one had ever taught him how to do that. He was only taught how to suppress or block what was being felt if it was bad. While he was book smart, he had never considered digging into the mind deeply in his research because he didn’t think his issue was like that…So did this mean he had been tackling the whole situation from the wrong angle all along? Was this more than just what he saw? Was this a mental and spiritual thing? Something that required a different sort of research to find the root cause of the problem? He had to wonder if this was why he wasn’t making progress on understanding his emotions, his issues with the beast, or even himself and what he was so worried and afraid of. The suggestion while seemingly simple had definitely gave him something to chew on.

As if to add onto this more, when he lost his cool and snapped at the other, he received something he didn’t quite expect. To that laugh and what followed, the Nightmare would remain quiet as he continued to look at the ground as his mind and body filled with emotions of anger and despair so strong it was dizzying for him. It made his mind clouded and made him feel like he would burst at any second, but he would somehow keep himself together for now as he listened to onslaught quietly for the moment. Even when the other had finished Rika would be quiet for a moment.

“Alright. Let’s say I decided to let him die. What then, hm? What about people who might’ve cared for him? Or might even want vengeance for his death? Are you telling me if I killed him to stop him from potentially hurting others or potentially changing for the better would’ve been the better option in that case?” his voice was dry and cracking at that point the emotions raw as he glared at the other not understanding what he was trying to do with this. Yes he had let the guy live. Yes there was consequences to that, but that was nothing he could control now was it? Was it really so bad giving someone a second chance? As for the question about the thing within. “It is a killer, Sharaku…and I don’t want it to use me to kill anyone else or escape and do the same. That is all there is to it….” Or was it? Did he even want to think about that right now. No, but it seemed the other would force him to do so with his next words.

Watching him with eyes become red from stress and held back emotions, the Nightmare would listen to the other with a quiet glare and when he was done? The Nightmare would find himself unable to say anything back as he continued to watch the other with narrowed eyes, his breathing irregular as he did indeed let it all sink in. He wanted to lash out. Tell the guy he was wrong. Tell him that this thing inside of him was evil. That there was no possible way that it was desperation or some other harsh form of screaming for freedom that caused the thing within to act the way it did. He wanted to tell him that he knew nothing, but how could he do that…if he himself didn’t even know the truth and was indeed throwing judgments because in his eyes he saw it as what had happened as wrong? The guy had a point…he was indeed being one sided on the matter with nothing to back up that thought except two instances he had seen. He was right, but the Nightmare couldn’t bring himself to answer the or even admit that he was wrong at the moment as his sealed lips twitched like he wanted to say something, but the words would not come causing his to eventually look back at the ground.

He was shaking as the tears he tried to hold back came. This was just so agitating and painful. He just wanted to be anywhere except in this hell right now. Why did it come to this? Why? He would let the tears run their course not responding to the small comment he got in return for asking what would look good on him. He didn’t have the energy nor was he in the mood to even attempt trying to even laugh at that. He was much too much of a train wreck for that.

By the time, the other had touched him and allowed him to feed on his negative energy the tears had subsided and his misery had shifted slightly to focus more on the other. When he asked his question, he received a rather odd answer that would’ve promoted more questions if it weren’t for the other suddenly doing what he did next. To being grab and jerked towards the other unexpectedly, the Nightmare’s eyes would widen a bit startled as a gasp escaped him as he looked over at the other trying to understand what he was doing, but forgetting that as he made contact with those animal like eyes. He would hear the words as that blast of anger he had never run across before swept over him. He would hear them and for the first time in a very long time, he’d would act without hesitation as fear and the instinct to survive kicked in and overrode any other thought.

It would happen in a matter of seconds, the other’s words ending just as the Nightmare had gathered enough focus and energy within to make an attack. Without thinking, he would lean back enough to get his hand between them, his hand aiming for the guy’s face. Whether he made contact our not, from his open palm he would unleash a blast of physic energy that had enough force to push the other’s back if he didn’t resist in some way or dodge, but also with enough pressure to it that it could cause a nose bleed and pain in the head. The blow would like a powerful punch both outwardly and inwardly. Something enough to knock someone not use to such a heavy blow silly; however, the Nightmare wasn’t thinking anything right now except how to get this guy off that seemed like a threat off of him.